Say hello to work out Meghan. Running (well, “running” but it’s not walking, so who cares how many miles per hour it is?) with the breeze blowing through my hair, one foot after the other, busting out an uphill gain (Ok, so it’s only 50 feet, who cares?) while I’m doing a little dance move with my hands to Pink’s “Raise Your Glass.” Perfect. Seamless. True, legs are a little sore, calves still haven’t completely adjusted to the new vibram five fingers or the torturous cold air 4 mile jog that I am putting it through. Yes, my knees are a little rickety and at a time or two I slide ever so gracefully on a small patch of black ice. Yes I am absolutely covered in sweat from head to foot because for some unknown reason, I perspire 1000000000% more than the average human being. Yes, my earbuds slide out every few minutes because apparently my ear holes aren’t properly formed for the latest Sony bud covers. Yes, my spandex pants are a little too tight, thus accentuating parts of me that I’d like a little more toned. Yes, I’m breathing through my mouth, gently wiping slobber out of the corners of my mouth and off my cheeks. Yes, I MAY EVEN BE mouthing or heaven help us, SINGING OUT LOUD to the song on my shuffle. But, don’t I look happy? I am in my element. I am doing it. I have AS and I’m out of shape and I’m running. And I like it. I even got Andrew out there running with me and putting up with my crazy routes. My butt feels NO pain. Take that SI joints, I have found a way to mute you. Take it! My lower back feels like I have brand new vertebrae of flexible steel. I don’t know if it’s possible, but just imagine it is. My muscles are relaxed and I feel like I could fly.
That’s work out Meghan. Now meet Meghan at any second of the day when she is not working out.
Meghan is broken. Meghan is in pain. Meghan is exhausted. Meghan is ready to throw in the towel. Imagine your neck and back and butt being steam rolled, spat on, and steam rolled again. That is Meghan on no Enbrel and not in work out mode. It could be an hour after working out, it could be in the morning before working out, it could be on a “rest” day. This Meghan is evil. She feels like crap, she is groggy. She feels like she has been up for 5 days straight. She wants a vacation.
How is it possible to be both Meghans? I’m not sure myself, but trust me, I know it is! I don’t get it. It exhausts me to start thinking about it (not currently working out). I try to figure out how I can feel so wonderful exerting energy that quite frankly, I don’t even know that I have in me. Yesterday, I did NOT want to get up. I knew we were supposed to run 4 miles and I wanted to run 4 miles but I didn’t want to get up. I hit snooze a couple times. Andrew got up and got ready and then came back into the bedroom. It took everything I had in me to get out of bed. Once I was outside, I felt a little more awake but really sore. I remember thinking to myself, there’s no way I’m going to be able to run 4 miles. But you know what? I did… and I’m not sure how- but I do know that during those 4 miles I felt invincible. So I guess my question is, is it possible to work out all day? Because if I could, I would. If that’s the only way to get relief, I am. in.
Next Monday, I have an appointment with my Rheumy (FINALLY!). I’m really hoping that he gives me the go-ahead to get back on Enbrel. Please cross your fingers– I think if I can go back on, I will start to feel 1000000% better!